Science Puns: Engineers' Conversion Tables-- Slightly Skewed

Busy engineers couldn't work quickly without conversion tables, which cut the stress of tedious mental labor-- especially now that they come loaded as computer algorithms. But what happens when science and excess stress merge, lurking in engineers' unconscious? People have always assumed that puns release a little necessary steam from the cranial pressure cooker. If not for puns, the restless scientific mind could easily stray into serious trouble. 

The engineering brain at rest

As an engineer and scientist, someday you may have to choose between the lesser-of-two-leisure-time-activity evils: PUNS or recreationally manipulating DNA. And we all know where juggling home-DNA experimentation with Little League, composting and carpooling leads: carelessness and ZOMBIE MUTANTS. As a cautionary tale, it's a slippery slope to,"Honey, I gene-spliced the kids, and the family dog-- together!" To save us all from a zombie infestation, here are some viral puns that have been swiftly making the rounds on the internet. Not without risks, it's also a contagion that can infect and eat the brain quicker than the Stuxnet Virus-- from just a little recombinant wordplay. But the puns are so clever that it's worth the risk. Remember, you better laugh and encourage this downtime silliness or prepare to meet your new suburban, gene-swapped, flesh-eating neighbors stopping by for a toddler play date. Here we go.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 1 billigram

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Historical note-- The Bush FEMA Dept. briefly replaced the billigram with the jimmigram (named after Rev. Jimmy Swaggart), which, due to its inherent instability, led to catastrophic results. After the Gulf oil spill, the Obama administration quietly returned to the billigram. Independent researchers have tentatively concluded that 1 jimmigram = a value that hovers between .05 and .057 of a billigram.

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton Etymology- The phrase, 'I don't care a fig,' or the more caustic, 'I don't give a fig,' was originally a victorian spinster's polite but exasperated expression of disgust. It had a brief resurgence during the Andy of Mayberry show in the early 1960's, earning co-star Frances Bavier, Aunt Bee, 'Oh, Andy, I don't give a fig!' several Emmy Awards. 'Fig it!'Fig it!'Fig it!' This short, angry, expletive has now been adopted and chanted by members of a small, disowned Tea Party splinter group as a defiant denial of the Laws of Physics. Sadly, Gravity Deniers, who consider any law an infringement on personal freedom, are unable to agree on group meeting times or to even assign dues. Their only known meeting was accidental. Afterwards, the group's political effectiveness was thrown completely into doubt when several members concluded, "Hope we can bump into each other again sometime."

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

Your US Senate Inaction

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision OSHA WARNING-- Quickly reading these puns may cause slight disorientation, dizziness and even short-term neural damage. Please refrain from making life-altering decisions for several hours. Thanks to Richard Pieper, a NewYork City architectual preservationist, for passing them on.

Do you have any science puns-- brain-eaters gladly accepted?

Photo: Brain scan- Dwayne Reed - wikicommons Photo: Pocket protector-- 23 squadron - PD wikicommons Photo: US Senate-- PD-USGOV -- wikicommons Photo: Billy Graham--Warren K Leffler -- wikicommons


Tom Robinson's picture

Sorry, but 4 nickles would be one paradigm. 8 nickles is 2 paradigms.

Kent Harrington's picture

You're absolutely right. I'll tell my friend, Pieper. But that just triggers another pun. Would hyperinflation cause a paradigm shift. Would a depression and deflation result in 'Buddy, can you sparedigm?'

Rich Byrnes's picture

I don't know, however with the way prices for gas and food are shooting through the roof, I simply won't even be able to "giveadigm". We can certainly get some mileage out of this one.......

Kent Harrington's picture

Try doing it on someone else's-digm.